For three years, I was obsessed with white men and only wanted to date white men. I was only "attracted" to white men. My reasons stemmed from internalized racism and a hatred for myself and a disgust for my people.
It wasn't even a secret. I openly disrespected black men in order to uplift and put these white men on a pedestal. I used to say...well, I actually don't feel comfortable saying what I used to say. I do feel comfortable apologizing to black men as a whole for how I treated you and how I disrespected you.
Back to why I dated white men, it was easier to date white men. I didn't have to deal with a lot of the same things I would if I were to date a black man. I wouldn't have to worry about people thinking he was stealing, that he was poor, that he was disrespectful, that he was abusive, that he had children (at the ages of 15-18), or he was a thug/drug dealer/gangsta/ghetto. Now, you see, these are all negative stereotypes forced onto black men that we are taught from birth thus creating the internalized racism.
Also, dating white men meant I would have mixed children; the ideal child to have. It's actually a fetish the way people obsess over mixed children, a disgusting fetish at that. But, I knew my mixed children would have a better life being "light skinned, light eyes, and loose curly hair". I thought it would be easier to raise my children which is completely false. I would have no idea how to raise mixed children. People of mixed races have to deal with an identity crisis of not knowing who they are, where they fit in, who they fit in with, and whether or not they are more this than that. I would have no idea how to deal with that. I know for a fact that a white man would be completely lost.
Now as I got more into the dating scene and actually was involved with white men, I realized a problem presenting itself. The ease of dating a white man is the reason I wanted to/did date them, but, we never connected and the reason was because we weren't living the same struggles. I couldn't see myself being integrated into his family the same way I would with a black family. I didn't look like family to them and vice versa.
I also began to realize that I wanted to erase my blackness so that my children didn't realize what it was like to be black. What it was like to hate yourself, to be hated in the world, to be hated by your own brothers and sisters. I wasn't attracted to white men, but I knew (was brainwashed) that I could never be with black men and be happy.
Black love and realizing how important and revolutionary and necessary i is for our community. I started to learn how to love myself and my people. I knew I had to love my children fully, not just half of them. Black love is the foundation. It's not offensive. It's empowering. It defies everything we've been taught. We see the beauty in each other that has always been there. Through everything we find love in each other, a love so strong, an unbreakable bond that can withstand anything. We found a way together to fight through all our struggles and obstacles and find happiness at the same time.
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