How Colorism Affected Me

My whole life I've seen myself as darker than I actually am.

All of my friends have been lighter than me. I’ve always been the darkest one. So, when people would say “oh you’re pretty for a black girl” they would always be talking to me. My glorious amount of melanin never made people question my blackness. I mistook that for “darkness”. I never had a problem with being the “dark” one. I don't know. I kinda owned that and embraced, now that I know I’m not that, I have to adjust my whole way of thinking.

I know why I made sure my female friends were lighter than me, but at the same time I don’t. What I do know is that I always had an excuse as to why guys wouldn’t date me. My friends were light skin and I wasn’t. So, I never really had to deal with rejection because of who I am, personality wise, but because of my skintone…I always wondered how colorism was used against me, personally…I did it. I used it to feed my own insecurities.

Then, there's this thing called representation. In all the movies and shows I watched, Clueless (Dionne) and The Proud Family (Dijonay), Kim Possible (Monique) , A Different World (Kim) and Martin (Pam) for example, the best friend or back up or sidekick was always the darker one, usually "ghetto" or "the strong black woman" or the one there for comedic relief. That's who I saw myself as. That was who I could relate to. That's all I thought I was good for. So, it was easy for me to step into that role. I knew it so well.

Now, it hasn't been until recently, that I realized that this is a huge problem. I shouldn't equate my skintone to a certain type of person I need to be. I am more than that. I define myself and no one and not one stereotype can take that away from me. I deserve to be treated as human not a shade of brown.

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I Hate My Natural Hair

"So lately, I've been stressing about my hair. To be honest, I kind of hate it. I can't really do much with it. I know. I know. "Natural Hair is so versatile." Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. My problem is that my hair is too short for me. It's definitely growing because I keep it healthy, you know what I'm saying. I just can't find the right go to hairstyle for me yet at this state."

Does that sound familiar? Good, because it should. I wrote this intro for a post a month ago. Funfact: I still feel the same way. 

I wish I would have transitioned longer, actually until I reached my goal length which is shoulder length when curly. My hair is currently like right above my collar bone. The only proof I have that my hair is growing is that I can finally put it into a high puff.

However, I really do miss the ease of my hair when straight. So, I recently straightened it. It was seen in my last post. It was super frizzy and way too thick for me and my lazyness, so I only straightened half of it. I also noticed that my hair was really uneven which is another reason I didn't finish it.

Either way, I don't like my hair currently, straight or curly. Now, I've never thought about getting a relaxer again, but I have thought about getting my hair professionally straightened.

I know I "shouldn't" put heat on my hair, and blah, blah, blah, but I don't care. It's about me being comfortable with myself and I'm not comfortable with short, uneven, curly hair.

- This is a portion of a recent post on my fashion and beauty blog. Since this post, my thoughts have not changed.

I'm just not comfortable with my natural short hair. I know this and have accepted this. I know people will have a problem with that statement, but you don't have to accept it because you aren't dealing with this problem. This is a significant part of my own personal self-love journey. I need to embrace this negative part and turn it into a positive; how I deal with this insecurity is the most important part not whether or not I have it. Now, I could either just wear my hair out until I am comfortable or keep protective styles until it's at a length that I am actually comfortable with.

I knew the moment I bc’d, I regretted it. I wish I never did it. But, it was done and I tried to embrace it but couldn’t. Everybody says that the BC will be liberating, but what they fail to tell you is that YOU HAVE TO BE READY. Not everyone is going to be comfortable with a short length. That’s ok. So, for everyone who felt hideous, insecure, out of place, or even guilty for not feeling a certain way, you’re not alone. It’s ok. So, if you need to were a wig, get extensions, braids/twists, whatever, until you’re comfortable with how YOU look, please do it. Even if you want to relax your hair again, if that’s what you feel you need to do, do it. You can have healthy hair and be relaxed. This is your journey. Don’t let anyone tell you how it’s supposed to go because they’re not walking on the same path you are. They don’t have the same potholes and rocks and debri blocking their way. You do what you need to.

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Pro Blaque Rose: The Intro

So, I finally did it. I'm starting a lifestyle blog centered on a young African-american woman experiencing her Glo Up; growing, maturing, & learning. The topics I focus on will range from race to self-care to relation/friendships to college life. It will also focus on Mental Health.

This my safe space where I can truly be me.

I've made this blog separate from my fashion blog because they are two different brands and demographics. It's not about making white people comfortable or coddling them. It's about what I want to be presented and where and how. I found myself watering down my language and how I write on that blog and I needed a place to be carefree and unapologetic. This is it. This is my safe place.

So, I hope you stay tuned on this journey with me as  I become the unapologetic, unbothered, carefree, brown babe I am destined to be.

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